Sadly, just trying to eat only when I am hungry and trying to guess which foods are healthy and hoping to lose weight hasn’t worked because I always feel hungry and I always choose the foods I am addicted to!! My food addiction causes me to feel hungry even when I am not. The last 4 days that I have cut myself off from those kinds of foods has shown just how much of a hold it has had on me. I have been plagued with a wide variety of symptoms including feeling like I am starving just a couple of minutes after eating a perfectly healthy meal void of addictions. So I have had to find another route to take on this journey of getting down to the real me.
The health plan I really want to follow is called “The P.I.N.K. Method” and you can find it here: www.PinkMethod.com, but since I don’t currently have $70 I can spend on it I am having to do my own modified version just based off the little bit that I know about it untill I can save up for it (or someone buys it for me for Christmas *hint*hint*). The friend who is doing it with me is lucky enough to actually have the program and it is working really good for her so far.
Basically what I am doing is trying to reset my metabolism as well as break my addiction. I am restricting myself to only eating a limited amount of fruit, lean meats (chicken and fish) and as many veggies as I can stomach. I am also drinking protein shakes between meals to try and keep my hunger at bay. I am not having any sugar, flour, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, aspertain (I know it’s spelled wrong >.<), potatoes, pasta, beef, pork, fried foods, butter, milk, etc.
I know that the P.I.N.K. method is a lot more strict with their first couple of weeks but since I don’t have the book to go by I figured a broader approach would be less stressful but still get me some results. At this point even if I don’t lose any weight at first I would be very happy to be totally off sugar and the rest of my addiction combinations. Wait never mind who am I kidding I really want to lose weight too 😉
Yesterday was so packed full of good things I don’t think my body had a chance to miss the foods it has been craving. I had a tiny head ache when I first woke up but it was quickly gone and I didn’t have another symptom all day long!! Like I said it was a day packed full of good news and exciting developments in my life (got my own place for the first time!!) so it might have been due to having tons of endorphins and adrenalin already going on in my body that kept it at bay but heres hoping that today is just as good as yesterday.
If it is then Thank you God! Because the last time I went through this the withdrawals lasted at least a full week. After loading up his truck with some of my things my sweet dad took E.v.e. and I out to my favorite restaurant, Golden Coral, and even though I was sitting directly across from the chocolate fountain I was able to only eat the things on my safe list and avoided every temptation like a pro! I have been trying to get to that point for so long on my own and never made it more than a day. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am that I have someone to help me out this time around. Dare I say I am in recovery?! Yay!
I don’t have a bathroom scale now that I am in my new place so I don’t know what I possibly lost but I know I felt really good waking up this morning.
My hands are shaking, my head is pounding, my legs feel weak and wobbly. I can’t think straight. My stomach hurts like I have been starving myself for days despite the fact I just had dinner an hour ago. All I want to do is fall asleep and not wake up for about a week.
I am so scared of what the next week is going to be like. Today is my first day with out carbs. Last time I broke my addiction I didn’t feel this much pain untill about the 3rd day. Even now I want to curl up in a ball and just cry myself to sleep. I can picture in my mind every single item of food or drink in the kitchen right now that contains the ingredients I need to relieve this pain and continue on my road of addiction. The final destination on that road is diabetes at best – death at worst.
Yesterday was a very rough day for me. It (hopefully) was the last straw that I needed in order for the pain of staying the way I am out way the pain of change. I felt so sick and knew exactly what it was. My blood sugar was totally out of whack due to my poor eating habits.
These are the symptoms of hypoglycemia (low blood sugar):
- Pale skin color
- Sudden moodiness or behavior changes, such as crying for no apparent reason
- Clumsy or jerky movements
- Difficulty paying attention, or confusion
- Tingling sensations around the mouth
The ones listed in red are the symptoms I felt last night. I am so grateful for the quick thinking prayer of my sweet sister. Moments after she said amen I felt all the symptoms just stop. 100% gone. Praise God! I was so afraid that my blood sugar would get too low and I would pass out. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live in fear, hating my body and how I feel all the time. Tired, sick, hungry, depressed, fat, all of it all wrapped up in one – I am done with it!!
Laying here in my bed listening to my favorite worship songs I am trying to convince myself that the pain I am feeling right now is worth it. I will be healthy again. I will not be in bondage to a food group anymore! This pain is worth it. This sick feeling will only last a few days and then I will get better. This will end. Don’t give in. Don’t give in. Don’t give in.
Today I am very happy to say that I did not eat any of my addiction foods or combinations. I only ate lean meat, veggies, fruits and some almonds. I can do this. I can beat this. God help me.
The list of yummy foods I had to eat yesterday were all starchy, sweet, or buttery. I only ate when I was hungry though so it was a great day!! I am only going to try to change one thing at a time. Right now my focus is on only eating when I am actually hungry. I think if I can accomplish this on a regular basis then I am going to vastly improve my health. Next, I will work on making sure all my meals are healthy….well maybe not all..lets just say MOST of my meals will be healthier. Baby steps! Baby steps! I want this getting healthy thing to stick so I am going to take it as slow as I need to in order to have lasting results!
Now, I don’t mean that I am just going to eat junk food every time I am hungry! I am just not going to stress out or feel guilty about days like yesterday. Yesterday was a great day and today is even better!
Today I woke up at 7:30 and rushed to get myself and my little one ready to walk out the door by 8:00. As I reached into the freezer to grab a cold waffle I realized I was not hungry in the slightest. So then why was I about to scarf down a frozen waffle while trying to get my daughter to put her shoes on the right feet with only 2 minutes left before I HAD to be pulling out of the drive way????
First of all, yes I eat frozen waffles -.- They are cold and crunchy and I like them. No toppings just pass me the frozen waffle and I’m good. Today, though, I paused and for the split second that I had to spare and I thought about what I was about to do. I was about to put more fuel into a tank that was already full. Sadly, since it would have taken more time to rush back to the freezer and put the waffle back away I went ahead and took it with me thinking I would give it to E.V.E. (my little one) to eat while we drove to work. Then, of course, holding a frozen waffle in one hand, my purse and car keys in the other while trying to put a wiggling toddler in her car seat was not working so I ate it…..sigh 😦
This seems to be the underlying reason for my current state. I have formed this habit from a life time of eating when it was “time” to – not waiting till I needed to. It isn’t just at meal “time” that I find myself eating when I am not hungry though. I snack like there is no tomorrow!
Holding the fridge open, letting the cool breeze and soft glowing light settle over me, I try to find something – anything – that will satisfy this longing inside me. I’m not hungry, I just want to feel satisfied! Something in my day is frustrating me. Something is not working out as I had planned. I need to feel satisfied and for some reason finishing that bowl of yogurt leaves me feeling like I have accomplished something! Maybe this is a symptom of being raised in the “clean your plate” club. I spent my life getting rewarded for eating all my dinner. I had accomplished a great feat by eating all my spaghetti and now I get to have that bowl of ice cream! Food has satisfied me again. – only now it is not actually an accomplishment it is a failure. I eat that bowl of yogurt I am not hungry for and for a split second I feel satisfied only to have that feeling quickly replaced with a sense of regret.
I want so badly to have the body God made for me. The one that is healthy and vibrant and full of energy. Not this body that I have made for myself from years of over eating. This body is tired and heavy and unappealing. I don’t need to be a super model I just want to be healthy! I don’t need to wear size 2 just size 12 would be nice.
Love help me on this journey! Help me to eat only what my body needs to be healthy. Help me to be a good example to sweet little e.v.e. whose current favorite snack is red bell peppers! Let that love of healthy food grow in her and be contagious into my own life. When I am standing there in that cool glow of the fridge remind me that YOU can satisfy that longing inside of me better than any PB&J sandwhich could. I want the body you made for me. Help me to get there.