Day 9 On a Roll!

Today is day 9 of being addiction free! I can’t believe I have made it over a week with no carbs, milk, or sugar!! So proud of myself.¬† I deserve to be healthy and feel fabulous ūüėĬ† All of the pain and withdrawl symptoms have passed and now it is just a matter of not giving in to the desire to taste something sweet and full of flour.

I got a chance to weigh myself on day 6 and was very shocked by what the scale said.¬† I usually only weigh myself the “right” way (in the morning after I got potty before I shower or eat and naked as a blue jay) in order to give me the lowest weight of the day.¬† On day six though it was right after I had eaten dinner and I had just drank about 4 cups of water.¬† I was a little nervous to step on the scale!! I thought to myself as long as I don’t weigh more than when I started I think I will be ok.

Dun DUn DUN~ Even taking my weight the “wrong” way it still said I had lost 11 POUNDS!!¬† I couldn’t believe it.¬† After getting off the scale and going about my day I kept¬†thinking, “All¬†I did was stop eating¬†sugar and carbs¬†and I lost 11 pounds in less than a week?! Please someone remind me why I want to ever eat sugar and carbs!!”

I think once I am getting to a better health limit and it is obvious my addiction is re-broken I am going only allow myself sugar one day a week.  Like only saturdays or something and other than that I am going to keep staying away from it all the rest of the week.  I am also going to try to stay away from baked goods all but one day too and just eat little portions of whole wheat pasta and oatmeal and such.

I am excited to see myself in a few months when I have lost all this weight.¬† ‚̧


The Plan!

Sadly, just trying to eat only when I am hungry and trying to guess which foods are healthy and hoping to lose weight hasn’t worked because I always feel hungry and I always choose the foods I am addicted¬†to!!¬† My food addiction causes me to feel hungry even when I am not.¬† The last 4 days that I have cut myself off from those kinds of foods has shown just how much of a hold it has had on me.¬†¬†I have been plagued¬†with a wide variety¬†of symptoms¬†including¬†feeling like I am starving just a couple of minutes after eating a perfectly healthy meal void of¬†addictions.¬† So I have had to find another route to take on this journey of getting down to the real me.

The health plan I really want to follow is called “The P.I.N.K. Method” and you can find it here:,¬†but since I don’t currently have $70 I can spend on it I am having to do my own modified version just based off the little bit that I know about it untill I can save up for it (or someone buys it for me for¬†Christmas *hint*hint*).¬† The friend who is doing it with me is lucky enough to actually have the program and it is working really good for her so far.

Basically what I am doing is trying to reset my metabolism¬†as well as break my addiction.¬† I am restricting myself to only eating a limited amount of fruit, lean meats (chicken and fish) and as many veggies as I can stomach.¬† I am also drinking protein shakes between meals to try and¬†keep my hunger at bay.¬† I am not having any¬†sugar, flour, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, aspertain (I know it’s spelled wrong >.<), potatoes, pasta, beef, pork, fried foods, butter, milk, etc.

I know that the P.I.N.K. method is a lot more strict¬†with their first couple of weeks but since I don’t have the book to go by I figured a broader approach would be less stressful¬†but still get me some results.¬† At this point even if I don’t lose¬†any weight at first I would be very happy to be totally off sugar and the rest of my addiction combinations.¬† Wait never mind who am I kidding I really want to lose weight too ūüėČ

Day 4 Sneaky Pasta :(

Usually I wait until the following day to write about how my weight loss plan is going but today was a bummer and couldn’t wait.¬† Due to a series of unfortunate events I ended up away from work with all the kiddos¬†and none of my prepared¬†“safe” foods to eat at lunch time.¬† I hadn’t had anything but an apple and an egg for breakfast and by 1pm I knew that if I didn’t eat something quick I was going to have a really hard time not eating one of the kids.¬† My E.v.e. in particular was looky mighty tastey¬†and she had been the one causing the most ruckus so I figured if I gobbled her up not only would I not feel like I was starving there would be a lot less pestering going on in the back of the van.

All the poor kids were hungry too and since any place with a drive through is totally off-limits¬†I ended up stopping at Publix¬†to try and¬†find something.¬† I got the kiddos¬†their yummy lunches and found a little section of the pre-made¬†sandwich¬†cooler that had all these different salads in it.¬† I picked a chickpea¬†salad and read the ingredients¬†carefully¬†– nope nothing in it I couldn’t have! YAY! I love chickpeas so I was feeling pretty good about this.¬† However, the package looked a little tampered with, one of the corners had been peeled up a little bit so I put that one back and grabbed the one behind it.

Once back at the house I passed out everyone’s¬†lunch and started tarring¬†into mine.¬† I noticed that the “peas” were a bit smaller than I had expected and that the lid looked a little different than¬†I had remembered but I didn’t even give it another thought until suddenly a headache hit me right between the eyes.¬† “wait a second…..this isn’t right!” I totally panicked.¬†¬† I grabbed the lid to the salad and¬†scanned¬†the ingredients¬†and¬†right there in black in white it said “wheat” ūüė• it wasn’t chick peas. ¬†I had grabbed a different salad than the one I had originally picked.¬† This salad was¬†made out of little pearls of pasta.¬† I wanted to cry.¬† Writing this now I still want to cry.

I still have the headache but I have decided not to let that little slip up steal the rest of my good eating day.  I am going to have a delicious veggie bake when I get home.  zucchini, yellow squash, egg-plant all sliced up and sautéed in garlic and tomato sauce with onion and all kinds of delicious spices.

I have had to battle against feeling really guilty.¬† Why didn’t I pay attention? Did I subconsciously¬†known and just¬†choose to mess up? How could I let myself¬†make a mistake like that¬†after coming so far?¬† And if I was going to accidentally¬†eat something I’m not supposed to why couldn’t it have been something super delicious like chocolate? ūüėȬ† I know it wasn’t on purpose and all is not lost.¬† unfortunately¬†it looks like I have just gained back some of the withdrawal symptoms. This too shall pass.


Day 3 of….Recovery?

Yesterday was so packed full of good things I don’t think my body had a chance to miss the foods it has been craving.¬† I had a tiny head ache when I first woke up but it was quickly gone and I didn’t have another symptom all day long!!¬† Like I said it was a day packed full of good news and exciting developments in my life (got my own place¬†for the first time!!) so it might have been due to having tons of endorphins and adrenalin¬†already going on in my body that kept it at bay but heres hoping that today is just as good as yesterday.

If it is then Thank you God! Because the last time I went through this the withdrawals¬†lasted at least a full week.¬† After loading up his truck with some of my things my sweet dad took E.v.e. and I out to my favorite restaurant, Golden Coral, and even though I was sitting directly across from the chocolate fountain I was able to only eat the things on my safe list and avoided every temptation like a pro! I have been trying to get to that point for so long on my own and never made it more than a day.¬† I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am that I have someone to help me out this time around.¬† Dare I say I am in recovery?! Yay!

I don’t have a bathroom scale now that I am in my new place so I don’t know what I possibly lost but I know I felt really good waking up this morning.

Day 2 of Withdrawls Full of Victory!

Yesterday I woke up with a migraine.¬† It stayed with me all day untill I finally fell asleep at about midnight.¬† No fun.¬† Plus all the other symptoms were still with me and worse than day one.¬†The nausea, dizziness, weakness, cloudy thoughts, anger, intense hunger pains – whole nine yards.¬† I felt like how I would imagine a hungry bear would feel right after waking up from hibernation. ¬†I did have a lot of victories yesterday though.¬† ūüėĬ† I did not eat a single thing I wasn’t supposed to – not even when I had to make my favorite spaghetti for the kids for lunch.¬† Not even one tiny noodle!!

When snack time came around the kids wanted potato chips (of course another favorite) and I decided that there is no sound in the entire world that I hate more than the sound of 4 children chomping away at chips.¬† It felt like every single open-mouthed chew was a hammer on my brain.¬† At one point I shouted “AHHHHHH!!! STOP CHEWING YOUR FOOD!!” All the kids looked at me like I had lost my mind and burst out laughing.¬† I laughed too but it didn’t feel very funny.

I experienced the weirdest sensation today that I do not remember enduring the last time I broke this addiction.  Every time I walked into the kitchen I broke out in a sweat and felt like I was over heating.  My hands would shake, my head pain would start throbbing, my stomach would clinch and my lips would do this weird pucker/twitch thing.  Even just walking in to get a glass of water!

When I got home my sweet Dad cooked me a chicken breast with balsamic¬†vinaigrette and green beans so that I wouldn’t have to go in the kitchen.¬† ‚̧

I don’t think I would have been able to get through this day if it hadn’t been for the Lord’s strength and a dear friend on the other end of my phone.¬† It is so much easier to say no to a painful craving when you have someone else saying no with you.¬† And not just any one else but someone who is going through the same pain you are.¬† When she encouraged me I felt stronger.¬† When I was able to encourage her – that too made me feel stronger.¬† By speaking truth and motivation to her I was also speaking it to myself.¬† If I tell her not to have that piece of chocolate I better not give in and have a cookie.¬† Accountability.¬† That is the key.

I weighed myself the “right’ way – you know what I am talking about ladies: as soon as you wake up, after you go potty, before you take a shower and as naked as a newborn.¬† I was at an even 245.¬† Same weight I was the day I came home from the hospital after having E.v.e. – how ironic!¬† This morning I weighed myself the same way and guess what the lovely scale said!!! 242.5!!! I lost 2.5 lbs in just two days of not giving in.¬† I can do this!!!


My hands are shaking, my head is pounding, my legs feel weak and wobbly.¬† I can’t think straight.¬† My stomach hurts like I have been starving myself for days despite the fact I just had dinner an hour ago.¬† All I want to do is fall asleep and not wake up for about a week.

I am so scared of what the next week is going to be¬†like.¬† Today is my first day with out carbs.¬† Last time I broke my addiction I didn’t feel this much pain untill about the 3rd day.¬† Even now I want to curl up in a ball and just cry myself to sleep.¬† I can picture in my mind every single item of food or drink in the kitchen right now¬†that contains the ingredients¬†I need to relieve this pain and continue on my road of addiction.¬† The final destination¬†on that road is diabetes¬†at best – death at worst.

Yesterday was a very rough day for me.  It (hopefully) was the last straw that I needed in order for the pain of staying the way I am out way the pain of change.  I felt so sick and knew exactly what it was.  My blood sugar was totally out of whack due to my poor eating habits.

These are the symptoms of hypoglycemia (low blood sugar):

  • Shakiness
  • Dizziness
  • Sweating
  • Hunger
  • Headache
  • Pale skin color
  • Sudden moodiness or behavior changes, such as crying for no apparent reason
  • Clumsy or jerky movements
  • Seizure
  • Difficulty paying attention, or confusion
  • Tingling sensations around the mouth

The ones listed in red are the symptoms¬†I felt last night.¬† I am so grateful¬†for the quick thinking prayer of my sweet sister.¬† Moments after she said amen I felt all the symptoms just stop.¬† 100% gone.¬† Praise God!¬† I was so afraid that my¬†blood sugar would get too low and I would pass out.¬† I can’t live like this anymore.¬† I can’t live in fear, hating my body and how I feel all the time.¬† Tired, sick, hungry, depressed, fat, all of it all wrapped up in one¬†–¬†I am done with it!!

Laying here in my bed listening to my favorite worship songs I am trying to convince myself that the pain I am feeling right now¬†is worth it.¬† I will be healthy again.¬† I will not be in bondage to a food group anymore! This pain is worth it.¬† This sick feeling will only last a few days and then I will get better. This will end.¬† Don’t give in.¬† Don’t give in. Don’t give in.¬†

Today I am very happy to say that I did not eat any of my addiction foods or combinations.  I only ate lean meat, veggies, fruits and some almonds.  I can do this.  I can beat this.  God help me.

Confessions of an Addict

I have known for some time that I¬†am struggling with a food¬†addiction of some sort¬†but until recently I wasn’t sure exactly what it was.¬† There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason behind my intense food cravings.¬† It’s not just sweets or just salty treats or even just fatty foods.¬† It seemed to be something different every day.¬†¬†I would be minding my own business¬†when all of a sudden I would find myself in the pantry or in front of the fridge searching for that particular food I just had to have.¬† Whether it is a tall glass of milk with honey mixed in¬†or¬†humus¬†on crackers¬†or a¬†turkey sandwich on thick sliced bread¬†it didn’t matter.¬† When I get to that point I feel like I have no choice.¬†¬†I have to eat what ever it is.¬† I need it and if I don’t find it or don’t let myself have it I walk away feeling sick.¬† Then the longer I go without what ever combination¬†of foods I am craving that day the worse I feel to the point of¬†head aches,¬†bad mood, and¬†even depression.¬†¬†It’s the worst feeling I can think of, full of frustration and guilt. I hate it!

For a while I thought that maybe I had some sort of vitamin deficiency.¬† I¬†thought, maybe¬†I should be¬†listening to these cravings because my body knows what I need.¬† There was even a few side effects that gave this idea some validity.¬† Most mornings it is a fight of shear will and strength for me to be able to stay awake.¬† I don’t mean like the typical “not a morning person” kind of tiredness.¬† I mean can’t keep my eyes open, falling asleep standing up, can’t think straight, have-no-choice-falling-asleep-right-this-second type of tiredness.¬† The only way I get through my mornings without¬†falling asleep is if I am constantly¬†moving and even then I might drift off while walking down the hallway.¬† This feeling lasts untill about 11am nearly everyday.¬† Sounds like some sort of vitamin deficiency to me!

The only problem with that idea is that these cravings often come when I am not actually hungry, shapes every single meal I eat and it has led to me being overweight to the point of it being dangerous.  Plus, my symptoms have only gotten worse rather than better.  I decided to do a little research and look into what these foods I am wanting have in common.  There had to be a common thread between the seemingly random cravings.  What I discovered totally blew me away!!!

I am addicted to the amino acid Tryptophan.¬† The highest doses of Tryptophan can be¬†found in poultry and dairy products.¬†¬†It is also found in humus, various types of nuts, and even some vegetables – the very foods I can’t seem to get enough of! It is the raw material for serotonin and melatonin, the body‚Äôs natural sleep-inducing¬† substances.¬† Remember how tired you were after thanksgiving dinner last year? Tryptophan¬†is why! Tryptophan is a very important amino acid that is essential¬†to a healthy brain.¬†¬†It is first converted into the neurotransmitter serotonin, which quiets the brain by slowing down nerve traffic. Serotonin is then converted to¬† melatonin, which the pineal gland secretes inducing sleepiness.¬† It is used¬†by our brain to help us¬†to process thoughts¬†and is also used to control our sleep patterns¬†and helps relieve our stress.¬† Our bodies can not create tryptophan for ourselves so we have to get it from outside sources.

However, this alone doesn’t explain my cravings because I don’t want just humus, I want humus and crackers.¬† I don’t just want a glass of milk, I want a couple spoonfuls¬†of honey mixed in or milk in a big bowl of cereal.¬† Upon¬†further study though I discovered the answer for this as well.¬†¬†Complex carbohydrates play an important¬† role in my addiction¬†by making¬†the Tryptophan¬†available to¬†my brain. A meal high in carbs¬† stimulates the release of insulin, which clears amino acids that compete with the tryptophan from¬†my bloodstream.¬† Once¬†the insulin has done its¬†job clearing them out more of¬†the tryptophan¬†is allowed¬†to enter my brain¬†which encourage sleepiness and the rush of stress busting hormones into my bloodstream.

This is why I struggle so much in the mornings!  I have a big bowl of cereal *carbs* swimming in milk *tryptophan* followed by a surge of Melatonin and serotonin.  I feed this craving though out the day to help my body maintain a high level of those hormones and crave them once it starts to fade.  The reason I think it is so drastic of a sleepiness in the morning versus the rest of the day is because our bodies naturally make melatonin and serotonin while we are sleeping to help us sleep soundly through the night.  So, in the mornings I already have the hormones from the night before in my body and then add even more to them with my breakfast of tryptophan with a side of carbs. >.<

This explains sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much about what I am struggling with.  This is exactly why a couple of weeks ago after a very stressful day at work all I wanted in the entire world to eat for dinner was a Hawaiian sweet roll with butter and a glass of milk.  Tryptophan + Carbs = sleep, peace, rest, momentary relief from stress, weight gain, guilt, shame, unhealthy body, self-hatred, and a need for Gods love and strength to help me.

Love, thank you for helping find the answers to my questions.  Thank you for helping me to better understand my body and how it works.  We are so fearfully and wonderfully made. Thank you that you are my comfort, rest, peace and that you are the one I can turn to when I need to lay my burdens down and let go of my stress and worries.  Help me to remember these things.  Help me to be aware of the food choices I am making and why.  Thank you for helping me lose 5 pounds so far!! It is the slowest I have ever lost weight but I have never been more happy to lose such a small amount.  Thank you for the strength you are giving me to face my addictions and turn them over to.  Help me to not suffer the effects of withdrawal that I seem to experience.  No headaches, no depression, no sleeplessness, none of it.  Thank you Love.


Here is a couple of links to some of the articles I read about Tryptophan: