Despite my best efforts I often find myself looking back. I try so hard to focus on today but in the quiet of the night or while on auto-pilot driving to or from work I often find myself contrasting and comparing. I have come so far in the last three years and yet my life is still upside down in so many ways. What could I have done different? If I had made different choices would my life be better or worse than it is now? Should I have turned this way or that?
The difficulty of thinking this way (aside from the obvious fact that it is pointless..you can’t actually change the past) is that the best things in my life right now are solely dependent on the awful things I have gone through. As much as the past hurts it has shaped my present and my future and I would not give those two things up no matter the pain they came from.
So then why do I torture myself? Hurry up and be satisfied already!! I am stronger. I am quicker to choose my path. I can stand on my own two feet. I can smile. These are great advances! I guess I just always expecting things to work out in a certain way and for so long I thought everything was right on track. When everything ended in a train wreck 3 years ago I was left with a life I never thought would be mine. A single parent with no where to go but back to my parents house. No education. No way to take care of myself or my new, tiny pink bundle.
I have had to pick up the pieces and try to glue them back together with tears and prayer. That is when I first discovered the power of this crazy love thing. I didn’t have to do it alone. I didn’t have to be strong enough. I didn’t have to know what the right choices were. All I had to do was accept Loves help and trust that everything would work out for my good.
I may not have a life anyone else would consider blessed but I know that it is. I have an amazing daughter. I have never gone with out food. I have never gone with out a safe place to stay. Even when I didn’t have work I never gave up hope that Love does have a plan and a purpose for me and my daughter. Most of all I have felt the crazy love of someone I have never done a moment of good for. There is no other feeling like it. To know that I am completely accepted, even the bad and ugly parts, and that my Love is shaping me into something beautiful, lacks any comparison. Like a sword being heated in the flames and then pounded on the anvil, Love will use the trials of this life to strengthen me. His craftsmanship is perfect and I can trust his judgment.
Bring on the fires! Bring on the forge! I want to be tested and proved. Help me to no longer look back and wish for things I can not change. Help me to embrace the peace that surpasses all understanding and walk this long journey leaning on Love.