Today I woke up at 7:30 and rushed to get myself and my little one ready to walk out the door by 8:00. As I reached into the freezer to grab a cold waffle I realized I was not hungry in the slightest. So then why was I about to scarf down a frozen waffle while trying to get my daughter to put her shoes on the right feet with only 2 minutes left before I HAD to be pulling out of the drive way????
First of all, yes I eat frozen waffles -.- They are cold and crunchy and I like them. No toppings just pass me the frozen waffle and I’m good. Today, though, I paused and for the split second that I had to spare and I thought about what I was about to do. I was about to put more fuel into a tank that was already full. Sadly, since it would have taken more time to rush back to the freezer and put the waffle back away I went ahead and took it with me thinking I would give it to E.V.E. (my little one) to eat while we drove to work. Then, of course, holding a frozen waffle in one hand, my purse and car keys in the other while trying to put a wiggling toddler in her car seat was not working so I ate it…..sigh 😦
This seems to be the underlying reason for my current state. I have formed this habit from a life time of eating when it was “time” to – not waiting till I needed to. It isn’t just at meal “time” that I find myself eating when I am not hungry though. I snack like there is no tomorrow!
Holding the fridge open, letting the cool breeze and soft glowing light settle over me, I try to find something – anything – that will satisfy this longing inside me. I’m not hungry, I just want to feel satisfied! Something in my day is frustrating me. Something is not working out as I had planned. I need to feel satisfied and for some reason finishing that bowl of yogurt leaves me feeling like I have accomplished something! Maybe this is a symptom of being raised in the “clean your plate” club. I spent my life getting rewarded for eating all my dinner. I had accomplished a great feat by eating all my spaghetti and now I get to have that bowl of ice cream! Food has satisfied me again. – only now it is not actually an accomplishment it is a failure. I eat that bowl of yogurt I am not hungry for and for a split second I feel satisfied only to have that feeling quickly replaced with a sense of regret.
I want so badly to have the body God made for me. The one that is healthy and vibrant and full of energy. Not this body that I have made for myself from years of over eating. This body is tired and heavy and unappealing. I don’t need to be a super model I just want to be healthy! I don’t need to wear size 2 just size 12 would be nice.
Love help me on this journey! Help me to eat only what my body needs to be healthy. Help me to be a good example to sweet little e.v.e. whose current favorite snack is red bell peppers! Let that love of healthy food grow in her and be contagious into my own life. When I am standing there in that cool glow of the fridge remind me that YOU can satisfy that longing inside of me better than any PB&J sandwhich could. I want the body you made for me. Help me to get there.